Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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