so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize