kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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