i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
