You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
