Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
