I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
