apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
