I'll bet she douches with gravy.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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