If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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