I just pynch a tree in the face
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
