Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
