i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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