if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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