Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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