Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
