Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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