So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
