Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
