I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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