can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
