Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
