you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
