Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
