The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
