you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
