I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
