Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
why is half of my head shaved?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
