she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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