farters have to be the big spoon...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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