I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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