I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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