i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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