Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
how drunk are you?
Several
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
