I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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