he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
