i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
