I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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