why didn't you poke me back
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
