Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
