A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize