Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
