At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
