Four minutes until I can fart!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
