You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
