Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize