took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
