Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
