There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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