I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
