Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
