420 ftw
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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