a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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