I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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