This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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