6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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